Excuse my K-pop reference. However, I’m not referring to anyone’s comeback other than my own.
That’s right. I’m back (finally!) and am starting up my writing activities again.
If you’re reading this, you most likely know what’s happened to me in the past 12 months. But just in case you don’t, I’ll outline it here anyway.
Here’s a personal life update as to why I’ve been gone for so long:
The circle of life is a painful thing to endure
It was around this time last year that my father fell ill with COVID-19. He was immunity compromised and it took a heavy toll on his body. Eventually, his body was unable to fight the virus despite various treatments in the hospital, and the family made the difficult decision to take him off life support. This was also his wish and decision, so he remained in his power until the very end.
To say this was a difficult time for me is an understatement. I loved my father and was always quite attached to him. A lot of my personality is influenced by him, including my thirst for knowledge and the habit of delving into several different hobbies.
The first several months were definitely the toughest. There were a lot of other issues that arose, and I was also worried about my mother feeling lonely after suddenly losing her life partner. As a family, we have only started to accept the reality a little more recently.
Even now, it’s still difficult. A lot of things still remind me of my dad, and I still have days where I’ll cry and feel sad. But, I am grateful that I have countless memories with him. Lately, I’ve been watching Tzuyang (a mukbang creator) as a comfort. I used to watch her with my dad as I would massage his scalp and have conversations together.
Visiting my second home
One of the crazier things about my dad’s passing was that it almost felt like he timed it so I could still make my trip to Japan. I booked this trip prior to him being sick, and he knew I was going. He always knew how important these trips were to me.
I spent three weeks in Japan and stayed with one of my close friends for majority of the time. I caught up with my chosen family over there, and was mostly in Tokyo. I did spend a little time in Kansai to visit my friend (and I love Osaka a lot) but I was so exhausted by the time I made it there.
The trip was all sorts of fun and hectic. I hadn’t visited since I came back from my university exchange in 2020, just before the world went into lockdown. I was really happy to be back in my second home and had some time to de-stress.
Taking my time to heal
I was still making some content sporadically on my Stray Kids astrology account on TikTok, but mostly kept my online presence to the Discord servers that I run. I needed the time to recalibrate and centre myself. I spent more time with friends and family, re-evaluated where I wanted to put my energy towards, and took things slowly.
I explored what self-care meant to me, and I did whatever it took to find small pleasures in life. I also ranted and vented my feelings as needed, and made sure not to hold anything in. I learned the hard way years ago that bottling up my emotions cause me more harm than good.
Reflection as a connection to self
During my healing time, I reflected on what I considered important in life and what I want to achieve. For a while now, I have been wandering around aimlessly, metaphorically speaking. I haven’t been directing my energy into endeavours that are meaningful to me. So, I needed to take a step back and ask myself, what is it that I want to achieve so I can feel fulfilled?
A lot of my goals in life revolve around writing as a skillset. This includes publishing a novel, more poetry books, and creating spiritual courses. I also have my spiritual work that I want to deepen and expand, whether it be tarot, intuitive and astrology readings or spiritual counselling and mentoring.
But perhaps one of the hardest and most personal things to admit is that I would like to have companionship. A lifetime partner.
I have been very comfortable in my own company for the longest time and am confident in finding my own happiness. Yet, if I am completely honest with myself, I want to have my own family and lavish love on a partner and children in the way that my father loved my mother and his children.
It’s a strange thing to admit out loud, and there tends to be a social stigma attached to female-presenting people expressing this. That’s never stopped me from doing anything before, though.
Life goes on
Perhaps one of the hardest things to realise and accept after my father’s passing is that life doesn’t stop. Although my reality is significantly altered, the world keeps turning and night turns into day. With this in mind, it’s also important that I keep living my life so that when my time comes, I can be satisfied that I had lived.
To live and experience what life has to offer is what makes this journey meaningful.
If you made it all the way to the end, congratulations! Here’s a little internet cookie just for you. Let me know in the comments what has impacted you the most in the past 12 months, and any realisations you would like to share.
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